Poker Trek: Retard of Borg

Now I think we all know how Won likes to play like a retard. Apparently it is his super strategy to out smart us all by out dumbing us. At least that is how I think it is supposed to work.

Now other then one monumental occasion of it actually working.

It hasn't been to successful.

So with the thought that since the strategy hasn't been living up to its potential...

(Granted, how does one judge exactly the potential a retard can achieve?)

...assuming that since the goal was to outplay us by playing dumber. And since that goal wasn't being reached. Won has now decided to get us to buy into the whole philosophy and assimilate us into his retarded collective. So then either he gets us all playing as retarded as possible and starts to play smarter himself.

Or he will simply be the smartest retard at the table.

But then isn't that an oxymoron?

Now, you are probably asking yourself, how do I know all this?

Well it seems at this month's session he put his diabolical scheme into motion.
But you will just have to read on to find out how.

Once again we find ourselves back at Mr. Kim's lair of evil. If you didn't already know I am back to defend my spot as the current champ after successfully returning to form at the last game.

This after having let the Frenchman win it.

Really all you should have to do is show up to beat the french.

Then again they might surprise you now and again with a head butt.

Or something crazy like that.

Can one every really understand the French?

Now we have are usual crowd. No new faces, but some that might have been MIA for a few months.

From Won's left Myself, Fred, Clint, Frenchy, John, Nathan, and Ken. No new faces this month. Just the same old ones we usually have.

POKER!

Now we got some big hands early. With blinds starting at $5 - $10 this is rare, but now and again it does happen.

One early hand Won takes a large pot over Frenchy. They both had trip fives, but Won had an ace kicker over Frenchy's king.

So he got Frenchied.

Ever wonder where that term comes from?

Should be clear by now.

That and I think Frenchy might have tilted way too early in the night.

Then I get a hand I will never forget.

I limp in with my betting, getting a few to bite. We see the flop: 2d, Ah, 6h. No large betting.

Turn is Ac.

Nathan is the only one in and he bets rather large. I call.

River 2h.

Nathan bets the pot and I raise him what is in the pot.

He calls and shows 2, 5 unsuited. Twos over aces for a full boat.

I turn over pocket aces to show four of a kind to take him down.

Four aces! That is not something you see every day, and damn cool.

Along with the fact that this is now the fourth time I've collect four of a kind.

Shitty part is I always seem to get it early.

Oh well.

I then take a hit not too long after when I have Ac 8s. Table shows 4c Ah 5d 2s 9s.

I was betting on the pair of aces, but Ken pushed after the turn. I put him on the straight, but wasn't sure if he was bluffing or not. Sure enough he had Ad 3s. for the low straight.

Fred then pulls down another decent sized early pot with trip jacks over and Won.

Now we get a big pot. Nathan and Frenchy betting fierce. My money is on Nathan.

Why?

Um, Frenchy is...well...French?

Table shows Jh, 10c, Jc, Kh, Kd.

What happens? Well Frenchy has Jd, 3h for jacks over kings.

Nathan has Ks, 8h for kings over jacks.

Frenchy got his boat overturned. Never bet on the French navy either.

Then miracle of miracles.

Ok, maybe not as impressive as Won calling an all in with the hammer. Not to mention winning that hand against a pair of pocket aces.

But after not winning a hand all last month. Clint finally wins a pot.

Though I think we all folded to his preflop raise and he only took around a $100.

None the less the streak was over.

John then pushes out Nathan after the river on a good pot. Nathan folded, but John did show his pocket aces which completed a set.

Shortly afterward I take a large pot off of Fred when I when I bet the pot after the river. I had Qd, Jd. Finally caught the king high straight after the turn. I think I chased three hands like this where I had four of the cards after the flop only not to get anything to help. Most were open ended too where I could have used the card on either end to complete it. Fred mucked out so we don't know what he had.

Clint then takes a pot from Won. We had four diamonds show up, two on the flop and then on the turn and river. I have no idea what Won had since he mucked after a strong bet from Clint, who threw his cards too fast for me to catch but he did say he had the flush.

Then the Borg showed up.

Now we had passed the no-limit portion of the night.

If you haven't been following along we play pot-limit until 10pm then open it up. Two reasons. So no one busts out on the first hand and to then actually finish at a reasonable hour.

Now I get Ks Js. On this hand. I briefly thought about a all in bet. But decided to slow play it and see what happens.

I'm not sure who all stayed in preflop. But I do know besides myself that Frenchy, Won, and Ken were still there.

I don't think anyone pushed hard before the flop, but there might have been a raise. I think big blind might have been $500.

Flop is 7s, 5c, As.

Whoa, I am a card short of an ace high flush. Betting is meek around the table. I simply call. The other three I mention are now the only other ones in.

Turn is Ad.

Damn! I miss the flush and that second ace is throwing me. I'm thinking one of them has an ace. Trips are not good and I'm still a card short for the flush.
Frenchy then goes all in. He had been low on chips for a while. Ken calls as does Won.

I bail I'm not liking that ace and I haven't much luck with chasing stuff on the river all night.

So why did I tell you my cards?

You'll see.

Frenchy show Ac Kc. See there is that set.

Won has Ah, Jc. And there is the other. I would have been behind both.

Then Ken shows us 10s, 4d.

Confused?

Yeah so were we.

"Ken you called an all in with ten/four?"

Ken looks down at his cards and says: "Fuck I thought I had an ace!"

In a total Won move he called when he didn't know what he had. The violates rule #1. Talk about being on the tilt. He won't have much left since it took a lot of his stack to call this. Won too.

Won then asked him if he was now trying to play like a retard in hopes of winning. Then somewhere in that conversation Won welcomes him to the fold. Saying that he now has one of us converted.

See and you thought I was crazy with my Borg talk.

So right now Frenchy has it with his king kicker.

The River?

8s.

Fuckitey, fuck, fuck, fuck!

There was that damn spade I was looking for. Plus I had a respectable chip stack that I could have easily called it. And remember I was considering a strong opening move to begin with it king/jack is a good starting hand.

BALLS!

So Frenchy takes it and triples up since the eight didn't help Won and it sure as hell didn't help Ken.

Frenchy stays alive and helps out his cause and Won assimilates one in to the retard collective. I don't know how adaptable retards are to new offensive attacks like the Borg are. But this could get interesting if he assimilates any more and playing smart has no effect on them.

I then lose a pot to Frenchy. I think I wrote down the cards wrong so it doesn't make sense and so I won't put it in here. But I do know I lost the hand. Wasn't a major pot.

Then Fred goes all in all in after the river against John. Showing on the table is 5s, 10s. 6c, Qd, 2s. John mucks and Fred doesn't show us his cards.

Nathan shortly after buys a decent pot on and all in push. I missed who he pushed out.

At this point I noted that the Borg, read Won & Ken were barely hanging on and the blinds were getting big enough that their time was very short if they didn't make a move to get something.

I mention this since right after I wrote it they both proceed to go all in preflop.

Clint and Nathan both call them. This means there will be a side pot since they both have more then enough to cover.

Flop is 7c, 7h, 5h. I don't remember the post flop betting but I think they both checked.

Turn is a Jd. At which point Clint bets and Nathan folds.

They turn over their cards. Ken has As, 3s. Won Ah, 5d. Clint Ad, 7d.

Ouch that gives Clint a set and the Borg collective is drawing dead. Since the river is a Qd, not that there was a card that could really help them.

Just like the Enterpise Clint fends of another Borg attack and we say goodbye to Won and Ken.

Nathan then buys another pot from Frenchy.

Really, you expected anything else?

Shortly after that I go all in and Frenchy calls. I was really trying to buy the blinds. The last time I did this he had pocket aces two months ago. This time it is Js, 10s.

Shit, I have Jh, 8h.

Flop is 3h, 3d, 4h.

Uh oh, I now have four hearts.

Turn is a Qh.

Wow, river is a 2d, and I get lucky as shit to double up over Frenchy. That wasn't a call I was looking for but I sucked it out.

Now bolstered but my luck and large chip stack, Fred, who is short stacked, goes all in. It isn't costing me much so I call.

I have Kc, 5c. Fred has Kc, 2c.

Oh damn, not only does Fred have the highest kicker, but he has the same suit that I do. A flush won't help me and I need to catch some jacks to bust him out.

We see Ad, 4s, 10s, As, 2h.

Nope, Fred takes it and doubles up to help him stay alive.

Followed quickly afterward by an all in bet from Frenchy that is raised by John with an all in and Clint calls both of them.

Frenchy shows Ad, 2d. Clint has Kc, Js. John Qh, 10d.

I only got the first four cards on the table. Ks, Qs, 8d, As. I'm not sure if the river was a ten or not but Clint did take the hand and bust out both John and Frenchy.

One thing to know that all four busts have been taken by Clint so far. With him taking a two out both times.

But I am still here.

After play moves around a bit Nathan goes all in against Fred who calls.

Nathan has As, Ad with Fred having Ks, 9h.

Table shows 4s, Js, 3c, Qh, Ac.

Nathan takes it with his set and bust out Fred.

Then very quickly after that Nathan takes a large pot over Clint. Not to mention I hung around until after the turn so he took money from me too. Cards got swept before I could record it, but this did give Nathan a huge chip advantage. I would put him on at least 60% of the chips. Clint still having a respectable stack, but I had been on a slow bleed since I gave those chips to Fred. I had been getting shit cards and with the blinds in the thousands, my 6 - 8k at this time isn't going to last much longer with only three of us.

I lose a few more blinds when, on the button I think, I get pocket aces. For the third time that night. So do I go all in preflop?

Nope I slow play them. Until after the river when I go all in. Now on the board we see 5c, 6s, 8h, 3h, 2c. Both Clint and Nathan call.

I show my pocket aces and they both muck their cards.

Whew! I triple up to stay alive a bit longer.

Blinds go around a bit here with nothing major happening until I think Clint went all in, both Nathan and I call.

Clint has Kh, 3h. Nathan Ac, 10h. With me holding Kd, Js.

I have the kicker over Clint but not Nathan.

Flop is 2d, Jc, 10c.

Hot Damn! I catch a pair. All I have to do is hold on.

Turn is a 5d.

Followed by the river which is 9c.

Again I triple up and now I have the advantage over Nathan while Clint is gone. This is huge considering the stack that Nathan had not to long ago.

Nathan and I push stacks around again for a while. We get to the 3 - 6k blinds.

I get pocket kings while on the big blind. Nathan goes all in. Of course I call it.

He shows pocket sixes.

I missed getting the table cards down, but no help came to either of us. So my kings hold up and I take down Nathan.

Did I mention that I am the only one left?

Yup, that is right I have manage to repeat. Considering I was almost out of it and incredible short stacked near the end it is a good win.

Luck had something to do with it. Because as we know luck can go either way. To better understand that I leave you with the quote of the night until next month.

"Lady luck sent me to the Blue Oyster Bar."

Your pocket aces are no good here.

Now I've been playing at the monthly poker game for over two years now. I've also done some dabbling in Vegas.

Shhhh, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Now I've seen some incredible things.

Like a royal flush dealt onto the table.

The number of times Ken has river danced to win a hand.

Frenchy winning last month.

(That one is still doesn't seem real.)

Andrew Higgins sitting at...nevermind.

Some really mind boggling things.

But nothing...and I mean nothing like what I witnessed this last session.

You really want to know don't you?

Well you are going to have to wait until I get to that part.

What have I told you about patience?

Better get some or your own damn blog.

So we have some new faces this time around. Some old friends and co-workers from our sequoia days were in town and decided to attend and have some fun. Unfortunately they no long live in the area, so they won't be regulars. Still it was fun to have them and new faces are always welcome.

Even Andrew.

And he isn't even a new face.

I think.

So being that Won does have any family obligations preventing him from hosting (honestly the man has to get his priorities straight), we are back at the lair of evil. From Won's left Frenchy, Fred (making his triumphant return), Clint, Jeff, Dirk (our two new, yet temporary faces), Myself, and Ken.

Without further ado I give you the poker.

Now as you know I busted out first last month which was the first time in a long time I was out first. But it also really stained my streak of doing well. Placing first or second for almost a year. With just one fifth place finish in the middle.

Well?

I'll let you know how I did in a minute. Though it doesn't start off good.

I let Ken take a large pot on the first hand of the night, but I don't feel bad. Won and Frenchy were in it too.

This means Ken has chip count.

It also means our returning champ doesn't.

Won then follows up shortly thereafter on a rather big pot taking Jeff and Dirk for some chips.
Frenchy then gets ass raped. (Hey those are his words not mine.) When Dirk has an ace - ten straight over his three of a kind.

Won then goes on a tear, taking a pot from Ken with a flush, Ken mucked.

Clint then folds to another Won flush.

Then Won takes Ken again with two pair queens and eights. Over Ken's two pair of tens and eights.

I get the feeling that I could have titled this post Revenge of the Retard. That is the kind of run he is on and we all know Won's 'play like a retard' strategy.

Play is rather average for the middle of the night. Most of us have the bulk of our chips still or has won it back. Clint has been on a slow bleed all night. Dirk has been up and down. But has some decent chips at this point.

Ken the buys out a large pot as we reach the no limit mark.

Then Fred hits Dirk hard going all in. Dirk calls and we see Kd Js from Fred and Ad 10s from Dirk.

Flop is 6d, jd, 4s.

Fred catches a pair of jacks and with the turn a 7h and river Qc. Fred takes a big chunk out of Dirk.

However very shortly after that Dirk goes all in against Jeff. Dirk shows 6s, 7s. Jeff called with Kh, Qd.

The flop: 4h, Jh, Jd.

They both have jacks with Jeff having the highest kicker.

Turn is Js. Making in a set of jacks for both.

The river?

6c.

Yup Dirk catches the six for a full house and takes a large bite out of Jeff. It also keeps him alive and back in the game with a decent chip stack.

Fred then bullies Dirk out of a pot taking a large bite out of his chips. Dirk also starts bleeding that stack out quite a bit losing several hands.

Jeff then goes all in with Fred and Ken calling. Jeff has pocket kings and with slop on the board Ken and Fred muck their cards after Jeff shows his.

I then double up against Fred with a pair of kings to Fred's pair of fives.

Dirk shortly thereafter bust Fred out for the night and regaining some of his chips back.

Then comes the hand of the century. Seriously the straight flush that was dealt to the table is nothing compared to the monumental act of retardedness I am about to witness.

Pre-flop Dirk goes all in he has about 8 or 9 grand in chips. The rest of us fold until we get to Won.

Who looks at his cards.

Asks what the bet is.

Thinks about it.

States he feels good about it.

And calls.

Now he still has a large stack from the run he went on early and he has taken a few more decent hands along the way. Still this is going to take a deep chunk out of him if he loses.

Everyone left folds.

They turn up the cards and we see:

Dirk has pocket aces.

Won has 7 2 unsuited.

Now for those of you who don't know this is the worst starting hand there is in Texas hold' em. They are too far apart to help form a straight. And being unsuited greatly reduces your chances of a flush.

Against the best starting hand of pocket aces.

And worse it wasn't like Won bet first, he has done it before, as have others including myself. Going all in to buy the blinds. If you get called it is the chance you take on a bluff like that.

But to call an all in with it. Well either your name is Ken and you can river dance like no one else.
Or you are the biggest retard on the face of the planet.

And we all know how Won likes to play.

So the table is going crazy thinking Won is about to eat crow and Dirk is going to double up.

Then we get the flop.

2h, 7h, 4s.

Did you catch that?

Won has two pair and now holds the advantage.

Dirk needs an ace to stay alive.

I told you I've never seen anything like this before.

Turn is a 9h.

One card left for Dirk to stay alive.

River is a 5d.

And that folks is all she wrote. Won bust out Dirk and takes home the pot. With the hammer over a pair of pocket aces.

I still can't believe it. That he called with that hand. Anyone else at the table would have made the same play as Dirk. But to get called with the hammer and lose really has to hurt.

To quote: "I've seen shit that would turn you white."

I honestly think I can now safely say that I have seen it all.

But I make Won pay for that a bit later then I go all in after the turn having caught and inside straight. Busting him out for the night.

I then bust out Frenchy with a pair of jacks over his queen high.

Quickly thereafter I take out Clint, who has been on an incredible slow bleed all night. I'm not even sure he won a hand the entire night.

Then I finish off Jeff who was still just hanging on.

This leaves myself and Ken to duke it out. I have a large chip advantage over him.

We push back and forth for a while. When he finally goes all in. I call with Kc 2c.

Ken shows Qh, 3c.

Flop is 6s, As, 4c.

No help, my king kicker still hanging on.

Turn is a 4d.

Followed by the river of Ad.

We both have two pair but my king takes it over his queen.

That would be a frenchy.

That is all she wrote. I have regained my title and also busted out last months winner to take the side pot.

With that I will leave you with the quote of the night.

"There is no such thing as a good frenchy."

Viva La France!

I would just like to start this blog out and say this month, I am a sofa king.

Why?

Well, even though I had a bad showing at the last poker night. (more on this later) Causing me to be less then enthusiastic about writing the blog. That isn't an excuse.

Regardless I was already started, had a decent opening (work in progress). Yet when I sat down to put the poker part in what do I find?

I had lost my notebook.

Fuckitty, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yep, I could not find it anywhere, seriously I had been looking for two weeks.
So I cleaned out my office recently and low and behold. It materializes. Right out of fucking thin air.

Either that or stupid little blog elves stole it just to fuck with me. Yeah that sound better then me being a retard.

Ok, so I am retard.

But enough about me lets get on with the show.

So this last month, Won (bastard) can't host. Problem is he tells us this like two fucking days before hand. So it is a mad scramble to find someone to host. Fortunately for us Nathan steps up and provides the facilities.

So here we are at Nathan's. From his left it is Myself, Ken, Craig, Frenchy, and Clint.

I know numbers are low, but things happen.

So here I am returning from Vegas. Looking to hold my title as the current champ. The night doesn't start of great as I split a pot with Frenchy.

And it get worse. Why?

Because, as it turns out, that would be the only pot I win all night.

Seriously. It was that bad.

Frenchy and I then lose an early pot to Clint.

Frenchy then frenchies Ken with an ace over a king.

It amazes me when it all comes down to who has the single highest card.

Then Frenchy and Craig go at it for the largest pot at this time. I don't have the cards but it looked like Frenchy was going to be up to his old tricks. Folding, Folding, and...well...Folding.

Would you expect anything else?

I surely wouldn't.

And don't call me Shirley.

At this point I haven't seen anything but shit, shit and more shit. Really. Not one face card. Nothing even remotely playable. I think I played one had with 8d, 2d. Just because they were the first two suited cards I had.

Flop? Spade, Spade, Spade.

Yep, walked away from that one. Someone could have kicked me in the nuts too just to make sure I really felt it.

Craig gets up rather early buying another pot. But Frenchy starts to get on a little run. Quietly taking down a few pots in there and holding some good cards. I know he took some from me since I was trying to chase some crap and see if I get lucky.

I didn't.

Then after seeing nothing but junk all night. Seriously, since the first hand, I think I have seen two, count them, two face cards. I get a pair of fives.

Nathan tries a little preflop raise and I gamble, seeing as how these are the best cards I've had all night, and I go all in.

Frenchy calls.

He did, really, I'm in for about 4k and he calls. Then so does Nathan.
Oh fuck, am I screwed.

Sure enough Nathan shows QQ, while Frenchy has two aces.

Yep it ain't looking good for the home team. Unless I see two fives. That has happened that I have seen four of a kind before on more then one occasion.

Flop is 6h, 9s, Ah.

Ah well, the streak is gonna hit a bump in the road unless I can get running fives.
Turn is a 4c.

River Qc.

Yep, I'm done for the evening and for the first time in a very long time I am actually the first one busted out for the night.

Not to mention Nathan is gone too.

Add insult to injury I lost to the Frenchman who should have surrendered as soon as I said: "I'm all in."

What the fuck is up with that?
Clint gets busted out by Ken's two jacks over Clint's sevens.

Frenchy takes another big pot down over someone and I am pretty sure he has chip count at this point.

Yes, I said chip count.

Ken frenchies Craig with sixes over fives and takes a large chunk out of his stack.

Craig how ever bails himself out when he doubles back up over Ken.

Ken in a desperate attempt to stay alive goes all in against Frenchy. Now normal, as you all know, this wouldn't be a bad idea. A German against a Frenchman. Sound strategy if you as me, hell I would do it and I am Polish.

Ken shows Ac, 7d. Frenchy has Kh 10h.

Makes it look like the right move by Ken.

Flop is Kh, Js, Kd.

Sweet mother of pearl!

Frenchy is a buzz saw cleaning up against everyone.

I would think to put money on the French world cup team after this night. But then he is probably using up all the luck the nation of France has.

So it is now Craig and Frenchy mano a mano. Frenchman against...

...well I'm not sure what Craig is.

Back and forth they go, giving and taking, finally Craig goes all in, Frenchy calls and they show.

Craig's Kh, 9s and Frenchy's Ah 9c.

Ouch. Frenchy has the edge when the flop comes:

Ks, 8d, Ac.

OH!

So close. Craig is on the ropes with the turn being a 2c. He needs a king to stay alive.

River: 2s.

GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL.....

Oh wait, that is those crazy South Americans.

Viva La France! Viva La France! Viva La France! Viva La France!

And there you have it Frenchy. Yes I said FRENCHY, wins the night. I've don't think I have every seen someone get more good card constantly in one night. Hand after hand he had strong cards.

Well Napoleon kicked some ass for a while too, but then he made some mistakes and...well. we all know how that went.

At the next poker night you can call me Wellington.

There you have it I will bid you Au revoir and leave you with the quote of the night.

"You check. Oh then I call."

Knuckle Babies, Ass Raping, and Texas Hold'em

Before you ask, no this hasn't become a blog about gay porn movie reviews and those are not titles to some gay porn flicks, you sick bastard!

But I will admit they are certainly not three phrases I ever expected to see in a sentence, let alone type them myself.

Scarier still is the fact that all of these are topics brought up at the monthly poker game.

Sometimes I wonder why I drag myself to these poker games. (Alright so it's not like anyone is twisting my arm or anything.) But the level of conversations and topics of discussion sometimes leave one to wonder at what really lies in darkest corners of a truly depraved human mind. Worse still the minds of a group of men, with out any women in the room, fueled by booze and gambling.

It truly is a sight to behold and not for the meek.

But these thing do come up, are mentioned and sometimes laughed at for several minutes while we all forget there is an actual card game being played.

You do remember we play poker at these events and that this is a blog about the aforementioned poker game?

Right?

Again we are at the lair of the Diabolical Mr. Kim. to his left, Frenchy, Myself, Fred, Clint, Nathan, Ken. We are missing a few of the usual suspects. But that is going to happen now and again. But we can always count the ghost of Andrew Higgins.

Or can we?

*insert Twilight Zone theme*

Now I started this blog with the full intention of getting out within a week of the game (my self imposed deadline for this thing), but due to my crazy traveling schedule and work load. I just couldn't get around to it.

So my recollection is a bit fuzzy but my notes will help and I will do the best that I can. If you can't handle that then to you I say: "Life sucks, get a fucking helmet!"

Onward to the poker. (If you were looking for the gay porn reviews. Dude that is gross and I can't help you.)

Starting of first hand of the night happened so fast I missed writing it down. However I do know that Frenchy won it.

That and he now has chip count.

I just felt like putting that in now, since I might never get the chance to for the rest of the blog.
Plus I don't get to say that very often.

Frenchy has chip count.

Ok, I put that in for good measure.

Then we get Ken, Frenchy, and Clint betting hard for a hand. Only to see a three way split of the pot since they all had the same straight.

So they all got their money back, and Frenchy has still has chip count.

I think, sorry I just don't get to say that very often.

Then I get bluffed from a hand by Fred. He didn't show so we will never know if he had it.

Then Nathan catches the biggest pot of the night so far. Getting an A-10 straight (he held the J,10) over Ken who bet hard with K6 thinking his two pair was good.

I then manage to take down Won, we both had paired up 2s but I had a Queen kicker over his ten.

Shortly thereafter Ken and Nathan go at it, decent betting preflop (we are still at pot limit), Turn shows us 10s, Kd, 7s. Betting gets even fiercer at this point. Turn is Jd. River is a Js. We get a call and Nathan turns over Kc 9c. Then Ken shows us Ad As. The both have a pair of jacks, but Ken frenchies Nathan's Kings.

Play moves around a bit nothing major happening, though I did manage to push Nathan out of a hand. Then we get the hand which coins one of our catch phrases for the night.

We get four in on a hand. Betting is good, Flop shows 6c, Js, Kh. Betting get mean. Turn is a Ac. Nathan and Fred bail at this point leaving Frenchy and Clint. Rivers shows us Jh. Clint bets, Frenchy calls and we see? Clint has a pair of jacks giving him four of a kind. Frenchy had two pair kings and jacks. To which Frenchy makes the comment. I'm hate getting ass raped.

Like any straight guy really does like it.

See I told you this shit comes up.

Play moves along rather slowly, nothing major happening but Nathan taking a pot of myself and Clint. They both had the flush. With Nathan holding a higher kicker. I had a lowly pair of Aces.

However during the hand Clint broke rule number #2.

Remember you are the dealer.

I swear we do this every month you would think that it wouldn't be that hard by now.

We get a big pot with Clint, Won and Frenchy. Won is all in with 3h, Kh, Kd showing. After the flop Frenchy goes all in with Clint calling. Turn is 6s with the river a 3d. Frenchy shows Kc, Jd giving him kings over threes. Clint showed us As 3c for threes over kings. This keeps Frenchy alive but splits the pot with Won since he had Ks 9c for the same boat. Clint however has taken a big hit from this hand. Which pits him against Won a short while later when Won gets a heart flush over a pair of aces from Clint.

To which we say goodbye to Clint for the night.

Won gets on a roll as shortly thereafter he busts out Ken. The board shows us Qs, 3h, Ad, 7s, As. Ken shows us Qc 10s. But Won has Ah, Qh for aces over queens.

I believe Won had chip count at this point (Come on you honestly didn't think Frenchy still had it did you?) and boasting that his brilliant strategy of playing retarded was working again.

Some how the words brilliant and retarded being in the same sentence just don't seem right, do they?

Didn't think so.

Fred puts that to the test and pushes Won out of a pot.

I'm thinking someone spoke too soon.

Then Frenchy buys a pot.

Yes I said Frenchy bought a pot. In case you really didn't believe it the first time.

I'm a slow bleed at this point, but not as bad as Nathan who does manage to take a pot from Won with a pair tens over a crap that Won had. 2c 3s.

Getting a little desperate with the blinds rising and sitting on the big blind, I gamble. Watching Fred fold, Nathan and Won call, Frenchy on the small blind calls, I go all in. Nathan things about it, then folds. Won does to for a bit and folds. Frenchy?

Right you really had to ask, of course he folds.

I take down the pot.

What did I have? Well as you know if I buy a pot I usually never show it. I like to keep them guessing.

This time I do show it. Why?

Because I pushed them out while I had 7 2 unsuited. Which is the worst starting hand in Hold' em.

THE FUCKING HAMMER!!!

All three of them were kicking themselves on that one.

Then Frenchy doubles up over Nathan with two pair with Nathan only having ace high.

Now don't get all excited, he was just hanging in there. So its not like he has chip count of anything.

I think if I were to type that more then three times in one blog it would be a sure sign the world is coming to an end.

Nathan then bails himself out going all in and doubling up against Fred catching a queen on the flop for a pair over Fred's pocket sixes.

I turn around a buy yet another pot after this. And no I'm not telling you this time what I had. I'll leave you to wonder.

We get Nathan all in again with Fred and Won calling. The board shows 6s Kc As Js 9h. Won has Ad, 10d to Fred's Kd 9c. Nathan mucks without showing but that ends his night and Fred get a large chunk of chips back.

Which has Won on a bleed. Someone mentions his retarded strategy to which Won replies that it is failing now since he didn't go making any knuckle babies watching Internet porn during the game as he did last month.

You see I don't make this shit up all by myself.

I lose a pot to Fred and Won puts Frenchy on the ropes over the next few hands.

Won bust out Frenchy and takes some chips from myself in the same hand a bit after that.

I turn around and buy yet another pot on the night.

Just in case you wanted to ask, the answer is no.

Then I get retarded, knuckle baby making Won all in. He shows Ks, 10h. I have Ad, 9h.

Flop is 5d, Ac, 9d.

Turn is 5h,

River Jc.

And that knocks out Won as I had a slightly larger chip count.

This leaves just Fred and myself to duel it out for a bit, trading chips back and forth for a while. We are pretty even when I get him all in.

He shows Kd, 6s while I have Ad, 8d.

Flop is Js Ah Kh.

Turn is 3c.

I still have the higher pair with the river not helping either of us since it is a Jd.

A quick count shows I have a slight edge in chips thus ending the night and giving me another win.

I'm on a roll right now and I have a trip to Vegas coming up soon.

Maybe I'll write about it. Maybe not. What happens in Vegas...Well you know the rest.

Poker Trek II: The Wrath of Kim

Moral: Don't leave some poor retarded schmuck for dead. It may come back to bite you in the ass.

A little confused?

Don't worry, soon all will make sense.

If it doesn't, well then, you have some serious issues my friend and a lot of costly therapy sessions ahead.

Well here we are again, that time of the month. Time for another session of poker. Now after a rather impressive streak of 3 wins and 2 second place finishes in 5 months. I had a rather disappointing 5th place finish last month. Well, sometimes lady luck is a bitch, and there ain't shit you can do about it. She is a woman after all.

The Diabolical Mr. Kim provided the facilities, though I am still somewhat shocked and surprised that he still wants to subject himself to our dumb asses. But hey, that his prerogative and, as you will soon come to see, he ain't much better himself.

We have a slightly different lineup this week. From Won's left, we have myself. Jeff, first timer and Craig's brother (but we won't hold that against him), Craig, Fred, Frenchy, Clint, John, Nathan, and Ken.

You will note that we have 10 people. This means that according to the house rules. The top three finishers will collect part of the pot. The is contrary to other opinions that a 3rd place payout will occur at 9 players. This has resulted in much controversy, the absences of other players, and the lost of twenty dollars. Wars have been started over less.

Those events will go down in the annals of history as Pokergate.

Now before I begin. I did take notes, but I would like to point out that I didn't take as good of notes as I should have. There was simply too much table talking, beer, insults, jokes, off the cuff remarks, bodily organs, and Internet porn to be able to pay attention to it all.

I'm not joking and don't ask me to explain it, you really don't want to know.

Oh and if you are a serious poker player...don't ever come to this game.

If you do, don't say I didn't warn you.

But I will do my best and I do have a lot of notations regardless. So without an further ado, on to the Poker!

Now as I mentioned I'm trying to make a better showing of myself this month since I didn't play so well last month. Well it started out rather auspicious when getting dealt a pair of pocket kings. I bet slow early. Followed by the betting the pot after the flop which helped know one. Only Clint stayed in. After the turn, nothing strong, but there was a potential for an inside straight. I missed writing the cards down on this. However it is early so there isn't a massive amount of money on the line. River comes and again I bet, Clint calls. We get? The bastard got the straight, on the river!

Yup, my Kings had it up until then. Balls!

I think we will be seeing more of this theme.

Play moves around slowly from there. Nothing big happening other then I lose another chunk of chips to Frenchy when all I have is a pair of 3s to his 5s.

Nope not starting out rather well.

Then I finally get something. I'm in with flush draw showing on the table. Betting hard and I am getting Fred to follow. I pushed after the flop, turn, and he was right along with me, in fact I think he might have re-raised me after the turn and I raised again over top of him.

Right up to a pot limit bet after the river.

And?

Fred folded at that point. I bluffed him out.

Now I know you are going to ask, did I have it?

I'm sorry, I don't remember. You'll just have to wonder won't you.

Slow play for a bit, with the blinds making at least one bump when we get the hand that puts the whole night into perspective.

Won and Craig are battling hard post flop. I do believe everyone else has walked away at this point. After the turn more betting from the both of them. Sitting on the table is 6s, Kd, 3s, 6h. It could be anything at this point. The river comes 8h. Won bets the pot and Craig calls. Quickly Craig shows a pair of Kings for a set.

Won triumphantly flips his cards and announces to us that he has the straight.

But He is only showing 7c 4c.

"Um...Won you are missing the 5."

He broke rule #1. Know what you have. He was betting like a mad fool and he didn't even had what he thought he had.

Honestly, he is a great guy and we have high hopes for him one day. We just are not sure if he ever will amount to anything.

Then we get another dance with the river.

Any ideas who was involved? That is right, Ken is against someone betting is solid. Ken keeps calling. After the river we get a call and Ken shows us a heart flush.

Which he did not have until the Ace of hearts appeared on the river.

Seriously the hands he chases are down right scary sometimes, but damn if he doesn't get it.

Just a bit after that hand we get Craig and Fred going at it. On the board we have 2s, 5s, 4c, 8h. As I imagining someone has the flush and the betting is fierce only to see Craig take Fred down with a set of 8s over Fred's set of 4s.

I think Craig is making up for his recent Vegas trip. Did I fail to mention he went to Vegas?

He did and got back earlier in the week. What happened?

Well, as you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

But he did come back with a lighter wallet. Oh yeah, and he got FRENCHIED!!!!

Pair of Aces over his pair of Kings!

That had to hurt even more considering he was in Vegas.

Then the Diabolical Mr. Kim makes another power move. I have As 9s, Flop is 9h, 7h, 5h. I check Won follows. Not sure if the flush has been made we get the Ad on the turn. I have top pair, but the threat of a flush is still and issue so I bet cautiously. Won just calls. River is a 2c. I bet strong he calls. Thinking he has the flush I show my top pair.

Won again triumphantly show his cards and proclaims he has aces and kings. We see Ks, Ah.

*insert chirping crickets*

"Won you only have a pair of aces and no flush."

Now he claims to have not said it, but he did say aces and kings, not aces with a king KICKER. He can complain all he wants but that is what he said.

And I still think he broke rule #1 twice in one night.

Now things are going to be a little fuzzy. Won's retarded play was throwing everyone off. No it wasn't the playing was confusing us. It was that we were laughing too hard at the poor bastard to pay attention.

Not to mention cracking numerous retard jokes at him too.

Moving on we get some standard play, Fred taking a pot of Craig and Nathan in the same hand to gather some chips back.

Then shortly there after Fred hits a nut Flush and takes down the biggest pot of the night so far. As I mentioned I missed the details here a bit.

At this point Fred and Craig have the largest chip stacks. Won and Nathan are on the ropes, Ken, JJ, Clint, Jeff, and Myself are all about average. Nothing to write home about.

I manage to buy another large pot bluffing someone out. Clint claims I was buying, but then I guess we never will know, will we?

Then John and Frenchy go at it. We have 2c, 7s, 3h, Kd, 7h on the table. I can't remember if it was an all in move or not and that John called. But John had K, 6 while Frenchy showed us A 7 for a set of 7s. All I remember it was a large pot he had just taken.

Play moves around with Jeff and Ken losing some chips to me with my two pair over whatever they had. Ken and Craig betting big against each other but just end up splitting the pot. Then Nathan goes all in preflop to stay alive. Clint calls him and we see Jc, Ac, from him, with Nathan showing Ah Jh.

Flop is 2c, 4s, Qh. No help, turn is 8c. Clint is on the flush draw now and the river is 10c. Which gives him the flush and knocks Nathan out.

Clint follows that up rather quickly with a bust out of Ken with a pair of 5s over Ken's King, Ten. Now mind you even thought Clint has busted both of them out, they were so low on chips that Clint's stack, while better then what it was, isn't substantially larger. I think Fred, Frenchy, Craig are the top stacks at this point in the night.

Then Jeff gets busted out by Craig with a set of fives over Jeff's high pair. Nothing like bringing you brother to a poker game for the first time and then busting him out.

Yes I know the details are lacking here, but with Won watching Internet porn and the retard jokes still flying it was a little difficult to concentrate. Not to mention I was forced to take over the timer duties, since Won's timer crapped out on us.

Gee I'm doing all the blogging since he is to lazy, now I have to keep the time for the blind raising.

What, am I going to start having to host next?

Now I get into a large hand with John. There is a pair of 9s and a pair of 7s on the board after the river with myself sitting on K 9. I play a bet large enough to force him all in to call me. Which he does. He promptly shows a face card and a 7 for a boat. Sevens over nines. I apologize as I bust him out telling him that while that was a good hand, it does not beat my nines over sevens.

Clint then takes a nice pot off of Craig to keep going with a set of 8s over Craig's pair of 8's Ace kicker.

Then the astounding happens. No it isn't Won suddenly remember how to play poker, but Frenchy goes on a tear. First doubling up over Fred with two pair. Followed by a buying a few pots or taking a few decent pot off of others. Then he takes a huge bit out of me. I missed the cards but he doubled up off me, and left me on the ropes.

At this point he is close to having chip count if he doesn't have it outright.

Ah, but you should all remember Napoleon had success for a while to and that didn't work out very well in the end either if you recall.

Then in an even stranger turn of events Won starts playing.

No, really I'm serious he did.

Taking Chips from Clint, Craig and Fred. This gives him a nice chip count considering how short stacked he was at one point. We all comment on how he is making a comeback. To which he states. "I going to play like a retard all the time now!"

Clint responds with "When are you not?"

At this point things are not looking good for the home team. I have barely enough to cover the big blind as it comes around. I finally get a good hand and go all in. I get Craig and Won to bite. And low and behold I triple up. Again I missed this hand since I was thinking it was my last hurrah and the end of the night for me.

However it was not and I had enough chips to try and make a decent stand.

Followed by Won busting out Frenchy who had suddenly been on a fast bleed. Since he lost some more chips to me, Craig, with Won then finishing him off.

Then someone busts out Fred, I missed who and when. But I do know that Craig busts out Clint in here too because I remembering him winning the side pot of who could bust Clint out. Since he was the winner last month.

All I can remember is at this point Craig and Won have chip count over me and just the three of us are left.

I then get another great hand I go all in preflop with As, Qd. I get both Craig and Won in on the action.

I see a pair of 9s from Craig and Jc 3c from Won.

Flop is Qs, 5h, 10s. I've got top pair. Turn is Kc. Still no help, with 7h on the river.

WOOT! I have tripled up for the second time this night. I now have a decent stack of chips. Not bad considering I thought I was out of it not to long before.

After a bit of playing back and forth between the three of us. Exchanging chips pretty equally, thought Craig had lost a bit more. Mostly to Won. (I still want to know when he started playing.)

I get Craig all in.

I have As, 4s. He bites and shows...

...Ac, 9s.

Dammit! Almost every single time when I get an Ace something against him he has Ace something better.

I have chip count over him at this point, but only by a bit. So it is looking like he could be doubling up and myself on the ropes.

Flop is Ks, 10d, 3h. Rainbow flop, no help his 9 is still kicking my ass.

Turn is 5c. Still nothing and the only thing that can save me is a 4.

The river?

4d!

BOYAH!

On the river I almost double up and take Craig out for once!

Now I am really alive, though Won has the chip count. I don't quite think it is a 2 - 1 advantage. More like 1.5 - 1.

That's right it is just me and the Diabolical Mr. Kim for all the marbles. I'm still scratching my head over how he managed to make it this far considering the events earlier in the night, but still here he is.

Back and forth for a bunch of hands we go. Giving and taking fairly evenly. Though I might be giving up a bit cause my cards are suddenly cold as all hell. I don't even have anything marginal to try and push with and maybe take a blind or two.

Then I get Jc 9h. I'm in for the big which is at 6k. Won calls.

The flop is Js, 5s, 5h. Two pair.

I check, Won checks.

Turn is 7d. I bet 3k, Won only calls. I'm thinking he doesn't have something strong here. So after the turn of an 8s, I gamble and go all in.

Now here is the interesting part. He really thinks about it. Almost folds the hand, but decides that since he has chip count (I'd guess that if he lost he would have about 15 - 20k left. Don't forget there is a total of 100k in chips on the table.) he can make a comeback if he is wrong.

So he calls. I show my cards and he flips over...

...Jh, 10c!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Look carefully, we both have Js and 5s. Poker is the best 5 cards so the 5th for me is the 9 I have...

...Getting it now. Won has the 10.

I GOT FRENCHIED!!!

KHHHAAAANNNNNNN!!!!

There you have it, after He played like a moron for most of the night. He frenchied me after I made a strong comeback from some bad luck to finish in second place. Giving Won the prize for the first time in a long time.

Damn you Mr. Kim, Damn you all to hell!

So there is all there is and there ain't any more.

With that I leave you until next month with the quote of the night.

"Just bet into them, they will all start folding like cheap lawn chairs."

Canada Wins Gold!

As you probably can tell the 2006 Winter Olympics were still going when the monthly poker game came around this month. Yes I am sure Canada won a few gold medals. In fact they won the gold medal for curling. Now how a game where you sweep a broom in front of a rock sliding on an oversized frozen shuffleboard is considered an 'Athletic' sport and worthy of the ancient Greeks is beyond me.

And if it is, then why the hell not poker?

It's just one of those great mysteries in life. Kind of like how does Pringles get all their potatoes chips the exact same size and shape? Just what kind of mutant potatoes are they feeding us?

That, I think, falls into the X-files category.

Ok I'm digressing and this is a post about poker. You know that game played in smokey casinos with fat bald guys and little paper cards. You know the one that is all the rage on ESPN, "The Sports Network", and yet it is not an Olympic sport.

Did I mention that curling is?

I'm off track again aren't I?

Once again the monthly game is being hosted by the Diabolical Mr. Kim. to his left around the table is Clint, John, Myself, Fred, Craig, River Dance, and Napoleon (Frenchy).

Missing is George from last month. I'm thinking we intimidated him too much with our betting style. I guess we checked into him way too often.

I know when someone checks to me I want to fold too. I just makes me think of some crazy Russian mafia guy who is going to break my legs and leave me for dead in an alley if I take all his money.

Now I open with my best hand of the night. I'm deal pocket 4s I bet lightly and get some action. The flop?

4, 4, something, yep that is right I completely did not pay attention to any of the cards that came after. Why should I, did they even matter?

I get Won to bite, bet the pot a few times before revealing the 4s at the end.

Yep I was glad to get that out of the way. Best hand I was going to see all night and it was dealt in the first two hands.

To follow that nifty piece of action Frenchy, bullys everyone out of a had with a whopping bet of $40. We all ran like scared school girls.

There is also a reason I mention this.

But we will get to that later.

However I can't stop mentioning the Frenchman. Why? Cause something rather amazing happens early.

Fred and Frenchy are into a hand deep. Both staying in with decent betting. Sitting in the middle we have 6c, 10c, 8s, 4h, Qh.

They both call and flip, Fred shows 10's and 5's. But Frenchy has 10's and 6's.

Have you been following along on your score sheet at home?

Because if you had been you probably would have noticed that Frenchy has never actually Frenchied anyone before. It had always happens to him.

I mean where the hell do you thing the term Frenchied came from?

But not today my friend, the Frenchman exacted his revenge and finally put the screws to someone else.

Personally I think we should pitch in and get a little bronze statue to mark this momentous occasion.

Ok, so I'm going over board there, but hey its my blog.

Besides a few hands later Ken frenchied him right back. Oh, come on, you knew it had to happen at least once during the night.

It was named after him after all.

Play moves slow for a while the only major thing is Clint taking a large pot off Ken with a set of 6s to Ken's two pair. Which he then follows up with another large pot off of John.

Oh, and then Frenchy buys another pot.

Action moves along until shortly after 10 when Fred goes all in against John and Craig, Craig takes Fred out and a large bite out of John with a full boat, Aces over Kings. Not something you see very often. But as I have mentioned before the man doesn't bluff.

We say goodbye to Fred early.

We then get another sage piece of poker advice. I can't recall who said it and when, it might have been Clint, but someone was debating what to do with their hand when the comment; "Let me see what you have and I will tell you what to do." is mentioned.

Mind you Clint (or whoever it was), was still in the hand and had raised the bet. This goes right along with 'if you are going call I'll fold'.

I can only imagine what real poker players might think of us should they sit down at our table.

Then again I might not want to know.

Moving along Frenchy is getting bold when he buys yet another pot.

It would be so strange if he didn't do in again with in a hand or two.

At this point he has pulled down five pots by buying them. Either he is getting hard to read or we are just chicken shits to call anyone anymore.

I vote for the latter.

But it is all rendered meaningless when Won catches Frenchy in his own personal Waterloo and hands Him is ass. Not cleaning Him out mind you, but taking a very large portion of His chips.

Then He has the final axe fall when He goes all in against Ken who gets a pair of Queens and poor Frenchy has nothing but King high.

Ah the French succumb the German blitzkrieg. We should expect this by now shouldn't we?

Then the diabolical Mr. Kim bets hard and furious at us one hand. I think it might even have been after the flop, but so shocked was I that I failed to write it down.

Was I was shocked that he bet? Hell no, we all bailed and before I could take notes he showed us is cards.

7-2 unsuited.

THE HAMMER!!! He bluffed us all out with the hammer.

That was why I failed to note it, I was too pissed to remember. I think I might even had something decent but the bet and the cards on the table had me thinking he had something.

Fool me once shame on me...

KIIIIMMMMMMM!!!!!!

I shall have my revenge.

Now we get the hand of the night, Ken and Clint go at it all in. We get 5h, 2d, 4, Jd, 6s, with Ken showing As, 10s. and Clint...

...Well Clint had pocket Aces.

This puts a big dent in to Ken and gives Clint the current chip lead.

Then came the second best hand I saw all night. I get Ac Qs. I go all in preflop and I get Won and Clint to bite.

However, with both of them in more then me there is a side pot. So I don't get to see anything until the end. Community cards are, 9h, Qc, Jc, Qh, Kd.

Woot! I have a set of queens and thinking I have it Clint and Won call each other and show...

...AJ for Won. I am so thinking I have this. Only card that could screw me is a...

...MOTHER%#@*&%! 10. Yep that's right Clint had pocket 10s and takes my ass down. Not to mention a chunk out of Won.

Oh well I have piss poor cards all night, not much I can do. I managed some decent hands here and there but it just wasn't there tonight.

Ken follows me not too much later, getting taken down when he goes all in trying to keep his hopes alive, by Craig's set of Jacks.

Then Won goes all in, I think it was an outside shot at buying the pot or a check raise, Clint throws him off by going all in.

Won looks him in the eye and tell him "Fuck you" then on the luck of the cards takes the pot and doubles up anyway.

However he promptly loses a large portion of that to John, who bails out his steadily declining chip stack to stay alive a bit longer.

Then Clint, Craig, and Won go all in. With Clint holding the chip count over the two of them he could bust them both out. We get the show of cards. Won has Ks 10h, Clint 2c Jc, Craig Ad 5c. Flop is Qs, 7c, 2h. Clint has an early lead with a pair of twos. Turn is 4s, no help. River is 2d. This gives Clint a set of twos and we say good bye to Won and Craig.

This leaves only John and Clint. I did mention that Frenchy was out right? I'm sure I did.

Well it doesn't take long when we get John all in with Ad 8c against Clint's Kh 5h. Well we see 2c 10h 2h on the flop. John has it with a pair and the Ace kicker, but the dies on the turn when the 3h comes up completing Clint's flush. 3d on the river is moot as John was drawing dead.

And there you have it. Clint wins a wad of cash, but he won't get the gold medal since Poker isn't an Olympic sport. He'll have to join the curling team to get that. We will just have to wait until next month to for me to get my title back.

It just wasn't in the cards.

And I leave you with the quote of the night. "The bet is two thousand to you. I check."

Show me the money!

I remembered something from the last game. At the end of the night I mentioned that over the entire course of playing I was up in the money.

Won tells me, that isn't possible, there is no way.

Well lets follow along here with the math.

There have been a total of 22 months of poker now played. Now I missed one month due to illness. That I remember.

21 * $20 = $420

Now I know I placed second twice and gotten my $20 back.

$420 - $40 = $380

Factor in my last three wins. of $140, $140, $100. (I checked my blog and Won's for the head count)

$380 - $140 = $240.

$240 - $140 = $100

$100 - $100 = $0

Now I know what you are going to say. "But you told us you were up in money!"

You right I did. And I am.

I have one more win under my belt, way back in summer of 2004, July I think, I won. So with an average of 6 players I probably took home $120.

So there you have it I am up around $120 bucks.

So all I have to say to Won is...

EAT IT!